Impasse

Advertisements

Where being alone is lonely

Those times where you want to eat your favorite food while having a good talk
Those times where you want to grab some coffee and talk about the cute barista
Those times where you want to watch a good movie and discuss the plot thereafter
Those times where you want to share the thoughts about a good book

Those times where you just want someone to open up to, sincerely
Those times where you just want someone to pat your back, lightly
Those times where you just want someone to hold you, tightly
Those times where you just want someone to lean on, unwaveringly

Those are the little things that most people have taken for granted
And those are the times where I feel what it meant to be truly lonely
To have no one to share your moments with.

A not so new year

I cannot believe that it is already 2019. I remember planning 2018 would be the year where I’d invest more time in blogging. Sadly, it did not happen the way I planned it. And maybe, to some, it might not be okay but it is for me. I mean, I still am conflicted as to what to write. I figured that I would want people reading this to be able to put an identity on this website.

I hope I can say that I am a better individual now but I cannot. All I know is that I still am very good at planning. However, I face certain difficulties in committing to do what has been planned. I used to say that I do not have the luxury of time, or so I thought. Maybe it is just a matter of priority, right?

So help me in say this mantra: I plan to post more. Write more.

I do not know what to post really. But I decided to just write anything that makes me want to write. Be it an experience. Be it my personal musings. Be it about a good book. I meant, at one point in time, I will be able to establish what my brand really is, right?

I promise that 2019 will be my year.

2019-01-02 11.56.19 1.jpg

 

With Love,

Karl

no more expectations

I realized what really hurt me was not you or your actions entirely. You had a part but most of it was because of me.

You told me you were not ready. You told me to take things slow. I did note that you were not ready. I did take things slow. Believe me, I tried my best battling against pursuing you when it seemed futile. But I did pursue you even when you outrightly rejected me. I did pursue you even when you explicitly said no. I did pursue you even when I have been friend zoned over and over again.

I did all those things partly because I was afraid of losing you. Mostly, I did them because I have expected that at one point, the feelings would be reciprocated. But it never did. And you left. You left me with the expectations of you loving me back. Of you wanting me the way I wanted you.

It was not you that left me with a broken self. It was my expectations.

If, and that is a big if, you’d want a do-over, I’d always be here waiting for you. However, you ought not to expect the affection would be the same. At this point, there should be no more expectations, right? We both know it would not end well.

Call Me By Your Name: Review

About Call Me By Your Name (Or should I call this taken at the back of the book cover)

Call Me by Your Name is the story of a sudden and powerful romance that blossoms between an adolescent boy and a summer guest at his parents’ cliff-side mansion on the Italian Riviera. Unprepared for the consequences of their attraction, at first each feigns indifference. But during the restless summer weeks that follow, unrelenting buried currents of obsession and fear, fascination and desire, intensify their passion as they test the charged ground between them. What grows from the depths of their spirits is a romance of scarcely six weeks’ duration and an experience that marks them for a lifetime. For what the two discover on the Riviera and during a sultry evening in Rome is the one thing both already fear they may never truly find again: total intimacy.

Things I like about the book (Or should I call this the review)

Here I am writing a thing or two about what I had just read. I have always wanted to write a review of books, but I decided against it. Mostly because of a.) I am no professional reviewer and b.) I always want to read it twice to be able to grasp the subject of the novel which c.) never really happens in a short period of time which further leads to d.) me failing to write a review after all. I like to say more but I do not want to bore you. Below are the things I like:

  1. Gripping start that builds up

In the first few pages of the novel, I was taken aback by it. In a way, this is one those books where you sit in a corner to start, and finish it without moving an inch from the said corner.

  1. Poetic

My God. I love the way the author played with words. I love how beautifully he writes. Others might call his writing pretentious but for me, it’s not. More often than not, sentences were long but that’s the beauty of it. They were long and they were overwhelming. Words were carefully chosen to vividly portrait how young love consumes a person.

  1. Very personal

I felt like I was prying into Elio’s thoughts. I felt him. His desires, his longing, his (sexual) frustrations, his confusion. Everything. I even understood his longing for someone he thought he could never have. And hey at one point, we all felt that.

Reading Elio’s account gave me an intimate feeling of journeying through love.

  1. Universal feeling

Yes, the book is about gay romance. However, the feelings felt in the said book is universal. Everyone can relate. I experienced a very honest interpretation of the character and how each feeling led to another. From frustration to anxiety. From anxiety to sadness. From sadness to bliss.

  1. A love letter

The book feels like a love letter written by one dedicated to the other party. The style of writing is not something that should be kept. It’s a piece that the world ought to hear.

  1. A perfect ending

So this might contain a little spoiler and it should because this is one of the reasons I love the book. I was not happy as to how things ended between Elio and Oliver but I guess that’s the real world, right? Most of the time, we can never be with someone we love because of circumstances. And sadly, it still is okay. The most important thing is the fact that at one point we loved someone and that someone loved us back.

Musings

Am I a hider?

One of the quotable quotes that I have read and struck me is, “People who read are hiders. They hide who they are. People who hide don’t always like who they are.” So the question arises: Am I?

I hide in books, I really do. But know this, it’s not like I don’t like who I am. I like me. It’s just that there is a lot to improve and I do not want people knowing snippets of me that I do not know myself.

In a way, books are an escape from the ordinary me, the ordinary life. Drowning myself in books, I can face hard truths and I can learn more about the world. More often than not, I learn about myself.

So for your information and for a future situation, if I abandon my readings to spend time with you, I am not hiding anymore. More importantly, I am showing a part of me to you.

Do I know myself?

One thing I realized is that we should have understood ourselves as much as we can during our teens. This way, we can be able to understand others as well as we can.

I am a young adult but I still do not know myself as much. I have had my fair share of knowing myself in my early teens and I am thankful for them. However, we ought to inculcate that knowing ourselves does not stop at our teenage years. We continually discover new things about ourselves and I guess that is the thrill of living one’s life.

Soulmate

I really wanted the connection the protagonists have. The connection is there. It made me want to go back to my teens and find someone I can really connect with, not just physically but also emotionally.

But hey, I guess I am never too late right?

Going for that someone/something

Do you remember longing for something or someone in particular but have decided against it for fear of rejection and acceptance? I do. I did. We all did. But honey, why so scared? I mean we only get to live one life and we live it in doubts and misgivings. That should not be, right? For all we know, the one destined for you is out there somewhere and how would you know if you won’t seize the moment? I am not saying that flirt with whoever you want. I am saying that you should pursue someone whom you think you have a connection with but whom you did not connect for fear of rejection. So go on, send that text message. Or maybe a wave and say sorry after for ‘accidentally’ pressing the wave button. Maybe it’ll work.

To the first girl who made my heart beat

Hi,

How are you? I miss you so much.

I miss the memories we shared. I remember we used to play all the time. We played hide and seek. We played any games we know. Most of all, we played house, and we played husband and wife. I even remembered one of the kids marrying us. How I wished we go back to those times – us being carefree. Us being kids. Me being there for you and you being there for me. We were an inseparable pair.

You may be wondering why I am writing this letter. I just wanted to thank you for that one moment where my heart first skipped a beat.

It was on a summer day. We were in this rusty swing set in a school. I started singing “Let the Love Begin” and you blended in. We don’t have beautiful voices but it was a beautiful song altogether. Imagine, two silly kids, singing a love song. However, do you know that one of those silly kids started to feel something? His heart skipped a beat. He was nervous all over, and he accidentally fell off the swing. Do you remember laughing? We were so happy back then. I was so happy. It was the first time I felt the need to hold on to a moment. I never wanted that moment to end. Or our moments, for that matter.

But it did. Didn’t it? You left me and started to study in the city. It never really bothered me that much by then because we were kids and playmates come and go. Days passed and I realized that not only did I lose a playmate, I also lost a friend. It made me sad for a time but I became cheerful again (I thank my youth for that.)

Now looking back, if you hadn’t left me, could we be a love team kids would cheer for? Maybe we’ll never know.

To end this, I just want you to know that I wish you good fortune. Wherever you are, whoever you’re with, I hope you’re happy. One of us should be.

 

With Love,

Karl

Mt. Naupa: Love at First Climb

This narrative is an overview as to why I became an enthusiast in hiking.
February of 2017, one of the relationships I invested in went south. I was at rock bottom. I remembered feeling so hurt that I wanted to show the person of interest that I can still go places without the said person (i.e. favorite mountain to climb). If I may be blunt, I still am embarrassed as to what my primary reason was. My other reason, on the other hand, was valid: I wanted to shout my feelings out, and maybe, just maybe, I would feel a little bit better.
It was going to be my first hike, and I was doing it in my lonesome. It was scary but the good one, mind you. They say that the trail is ‘too easy’. Still, I mentally prepared myself for the physical turmoil that was to come. I mean, who are we kidding? Hiking is an exercise. I was confident enough that I can conquer it without difficulty because hello, have you met me? I jog. I do push-ups and all.
I could not be more grateful for the day of the hike started really well. The sun was up. The weather forecast was sunny. I decided to do the hike in the early morning. Mt. Naupa is located in Naga, Cebu. I hear there are other ways to reach the drop-off point but you can opt to hail a motorcycle in Tungkop, Minglanilla to reach your destination. That’s what I did because that was what I was familiar with. Just tell the driver that you are going to hike Mt. Naupa and he would know where to drop you.
At the foot of the mountain, I was greeted by kids who offered assistance to reach the peak for a small amount of compensation. I wanted to hike alone but I do not want to get lost in the process. So I agreed to have them as the guide. I let them led the way and put two-meter distance between them and me. Though with the company, I still wanted to have a moment connecting with nature.
The beginning of the hike was easy-peasy. The humidity was of the right mix: cool and relaxing. I could not have asked for something better. However, the challenge arose when we started to ascend. I found myself short of breath. My legs wobbled. I was sweating furiously. I thought to myself, if people called this easy, I do not want to find out what difficult trail meant.
I persevere. The only thing that urged me to go on was knowing that I was there and heck, I am too proud to not finish a hike I started. I climbed. More. More. More.
When we reached the top, I sighed a mouthful of relief. For a while, I stood there taking it all in.

I was in awe with the view I have had. I told the boys to go and let me be. I was alone on top and mentally noting that truly ‘early bird catches the worm’. The feeling was very surreal – knowing that it was my first hike and I conquered it. It was an achievement for me.

I have forgotten about the “I need to shout my feelings agenda”. I was at a loss for words. Right there, I realized, I was in love. I was in love, and still am, but not really to the person of interest. It was a love lost.
I fell in love with the idea of hiking. I fell in love with having to go through something then overcoming it. It was euphoric. At that moment, I vowed to myself that this would not be my last.

I ascended Mt. Naupa alone, but I descended with a new found love. Hence, the creation of “Project: Katkat”. *Wink, wink.